Recession is not = to Recess

I know I've already blogged about travel, but I spent the last week in planes, trains and automobiles and have more to say.

On my red-eye flight over to NYC there were 2 whole empty rows in the back and I went to go lay down. As I lay my tired head to rest on an awful paper pillow I get a very angry and flamboyant red-headed face lingering over mine, "excuse me, this row is for the crew".

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I paid to fly on this plane.

How moronic, this is YOUR JOB SIR, to serve the paying patrons of American Airlines and yet, you have the audacity to tell me - to my face - that these rows are for you and your lazy minions to REST?! Am I missing something here? No, no no, you do not get two whole rows to spread out and gossip about what pilot you went down on last week and how weird Jennifer Aniston looks in the most recent US Weekly - no - you get to push that little cart up and down the rows asking if I would like something to drink. And yes, I'll take a soda water with lime.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE TRAVEL INDUSTRY!? Since when can we not take advantage of an empty row in coach? That's like showing a JAP a sale at Saks and then telling her it's for employees only - isn't that counterproductive? Just as I reach the age where I have to accept that I cannot afford first class on my own and that slumming it in coach is the new chic I am not even allowed to enjoy the most sacred move in economy travel?

These people should be grateful they are employed and yet they bitch and take advantage - you can bet I am writing a letter! And it's not just airlines.

I got into a cab in New York and as I swiped my credit card it wouldn't let me continue until I entered a tip - what if I don't want to tip?! What if this ass hole jerked me around the most gridlocked streets of Manhattan and almost had me puking all over his Curry-scented seats? It took me 2 tries to realize I could hit 0 for tip and when I did, the cabbie says "what about tip?"

WHAT ABOUT TIP?? Tips are meant to be earned, hence the whole concept. I worked for tips once for a summer, and yeah, it sucks, but you learn how to earn them, to entertain and fight for people's crumpled dollar bills - not flat out say, "hey, where's my tip?".

My job is to make people want to buy things from me, to make friends with strangers - I understand how to build a rapport with a stranger - that's when you get a tip from me. If you find a way to make good conversation, hit a nerve or just do a good job at your job you will get a tip.

Examples: On my way to NYC, before that horrid red-eye flight from hell I went to an airport bar for a drink. Yes I flashed my platinum amex for entrance into the Qantas lounge because typically these lounges have free booze. Not this one, because apparently the day of the free-bee in the airport is dead to America. But a married man was kind enough to buy my batting eyelashes a glass of wine and the bartender was beyond. She was amazing - arguably the best bartender I have ever come in contact with. Her name was Sherri and she was the most genuinely sweet woman. She filled me up to the brim, twice, and told me all about this new app that tells you when cops are around - like a radar detector.

She also called me pretty and made me feel special....and not in a creepy lezzy way.

Now I had no cash on me, not a dollar, and felt so guilty leaving Sherri high and dry that I called the lounge to praise her, called qantas and the fine people at Amex to thank them for hiring such a great bartender - yes, I'm that person, but it made me feel good to do something nice for Sherri.

If only there were more Sherri's in the world. I am sick of disgruntled, lazy employees expecting more out of me than they deserve - it's called a recession, not recess.

Creative Hiatus

Hello to the few of you (if any) who actually subscribed to this and said WTF, where did she go. I got a job! No excuse for leaving this high and dry but I promise I feel terrible about not making the time to at least update the blog. It's been 2 months and I have no good excuse. That being said in the last 8 weeks I have done a lot, learned a lot and been all over the place.

I am going to put in the effort to blog at least once a week.

Yesterday, I actually helped a friend paint her kitchen. I had never painted anything other than a canvas in art class and have to admit it was fun - even though I am a terrible painter. My friend had to constantly remind me to try and do straight strokes and avoid the knobs - which I of course was instantly drawn to and painted all over. Before we started we went out and bought the paint, there is so much that goes into that process!! Watching her put the little paint samples on the wall and decide which was the better 'off white' made me a little dizzy. I had no idea how involved that process actually is, "this one's too pink, this one's too grey etc."

It was overwhelming, but a great way for me to learn. I just found out I get to keep my sublet for a year and now have the freedom to alter the decor - this girl has the worst taste in paint ever. My living room actually has a 'red wall' a la sex and the city, a big bright red wall and it's awful. Now, instead of spending the hundreds it most likely would have cost me to have the room professionally painted, I am going to take a weekend to pick out paints and do it myself (maybe with my adorable aussie roommate!). I may have to bring in one of my more experienced painter friends to do the corners and 'hard to reach' spots, but I'm now dead set on doing this myself. Plus, as my friend said as she dipped her brush into a lovely pale green pot of paint, "when this is all done I will feel like I've really accomplished something".

It's just too easy to delegate these seemingly arbitrary tasks to others. Writing a check to a handyman is so much less rewarding than wiping dirt off the brow and taking in all the work I've just accomplished myself. In the last 2 months, I've pumped air into my own tires instead of going to a mechanic, I've been making my own lunches instead of eating out and I've been drinking hard cider instead of cocktails at bars to curb spending. Cider is actually delicious and makes you look more laid back at a bar! It's just a throw in, I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about drinking as this honeymoon with the new job wears off and I realize I will never have spring break or summer vacation again : (

I know it isn't much, but for me it's like I've become a completely different person and I love the way being even remotely self reliant has made me feel. Every time I bring up a new concept for this blog I find myself bursting with pride and I am dedicated to continue it now.

Until next time....

Eating

I've officially decided that vegans are total hypocrites. I went to Whole foods today to try out some funky products that apparently taste really good when blended in smoothie form and detox and all that 'good for you' crap. A small bottle of this weird kelp powder was $20! All the organic foods are sooo much more expensive and all this flax seed and quinoa stuff gets so pricey - I don't understand how the grungies pull it off.

Most people who classify themselves as vegan, I would classify as weirdo hippies - weirdo hippies don't make a lot of money. Unless these people started Whole Foods and just work their for the fun of it, they are full of it. There is no way to sustain eating a healthy lifestyle by their standards without having over $100 to spend on food every week. Maybe there is some other vegan super-store that offers discounts on hemp milk but I actually burst out laughing at the price of some of these supplements. Whatever genius granola eating cruncher came up with the concept of vegan deserves the profits he's made - even though, if he were a real hippie, he would disregard his millions and give them to the starving hippies trying to pay for tofu with food stamps.

It made me realize why America is so fat - it can't afford healthy food! Now I get it, the poorer you are, the more likely you are going to sacrifice your organic avocados for taco bell. I mean forget about restaurants, just supplying yourself for a weeks worth of food is gonna put you back the same as a great night at Nobu - and that food will go bad before the week is up!

A friend of mine went to Oberlin and turned super grainy when she got there - no more shaving, no more uggs and her best friend was named Rain or something like that. She went totally vegan and couldn't understand why she was sick all the time. It turned out she was allergic to soy and all its products - so basically she was poisoning herself for 6 months. Healthy my ass Moon Beam, she dove right into the brisket at passover.

I don't know how I feel about how healthy these people claim to be. As I pleaded with the store clerk to explain what the hell the differences were between Omega 3 supplements she pointed one out and said "an 80 year old uses this stuff, and his hair hasn't even begun graying yet". That's not awesome that's some sci-fi crazy shit. It's one thing to stop eating fried food and loaves of challah bread - it's another to turn yourself into a pill popping, mate drinking, old ass man child.

These people hate on corporate America and yet they have a monopoly on those of us who admire the US Weekly photos of the Olsen twins eating edamame. I don't think it's wrong, I just think they are all total hypocrites. Going around buying clothes at thrift stores and riding their bikes and not shaving all while spending as much on food as 'we' do - LISTEN HERE HIPPIES: YOU ARE JUST AS BAD AS I AM, YOU ARE JUST AS BAD AS BEN AND JERRY FOR SELLING OUT TO CORPORATE AMERICA AND YOU ARE JUST AS BAD AS URBAN OUTFITTERS NO LONGER SELLING ACTUAL VINTAGE CLOTHING.

I say drink your soy protein shake and eat your creepy grains and supplements, but also realize that by spending money on them, you are just supporting the people you claim to despise. Stupid hippies. At least I am honest about how bad a person I am - there may be a circle in hell for me, but I'm going with the non-believers. You crunchies are going deep into the Sitxth circle and will have an eternity of wandering while wearing heavy lead trench coats (if I remember Dante correctly, please tell me if I'm wrong). And guess what - the lead won't be organic and your frail little pale bodies will barely be able to shoulder the weight of reality, not that they don't already.

Laundry

Those of us who went to boarding school were forced to do our own laundry (but for those highly elitist few whose maids would trek up once a week with the dry cleaning and a basket of freshly pressed linens). Considering it cost 50 cents a wash and dry, very few of us actually ventured into the basement with our mesh 'dirty' bags - who actually carries around change? We would hold out until a long weekend and either go to a friends house or take a huge suitcase home.

My first time coming home I had a huge pile of cloths that I didn't know what to do with because I didn't have a big suitcase - my parents had taken it with them leaving me only with a weekend bag. Thinking I was being resourceful, I found the clear thick plastic case my comforter came in and stuffed it full of all my soiled goods. I checked it through as luggage at the airport. My mother came to pick me up and as I tried to explain what my luggage looked like she stared back at me in horror. Not only did America West lose my "bag", it had ripped apart and my shit was everywhere. It took me three years to live that one down and replace those clothes - rich kid. real world situation. retarded response.

After that, instead of just changing a dollar for quarters I started a war with the heads of residential life and demanded new, change-free washing machines. I argued that ours were below environmental standards, and that if we had those cards that we could charge with cash and swipe, more people would do their laundry. I created a new position in student government and met with the headmaster to solve the issue. By the time I graduated the new machines were in place and the cards on their way - I was one of the most powerful people in student government, had single handedly changed the school's bylaws, and still held out for vacations to do my laundry.

In college I was even more spoiled. My parents had an apartment in the town our school was in so I just did my laundry there...or rather Mousaa, the cleaning lady did. I know how to do it, I actually sometimes enjoy doing it, but I'm really, really lazy when it comes to chores. It took a semester abroad to whip me into Maytag shape. I believe I have mastered the rich kid laundry experience so that the linens come out smelling as fresh as when they are pressed at the Waldorf Astoria.

I buy that lavender vanilla fabric softener and dryer sheets. The actual detergent is standard, I've found it doesn't really matter that much. I just use anything that isn't TIDE because they test on animals. With the added lavender everything smells sooo good and feels sooo soft I just want to snuggle in a big pile of warm fabric with a season of the west wing.

I've made the mistakes of leaving my laundry in the washer too long and it gets damp; I've left it in the dryer and come back to find it thrown on the floor because someone else needed to use it; I've accidentally dyed white clothes pink and grey a number of times because I'm too lazy to sit around waiting for seperates - I just throw them all together; I've lost zippers, ripped bras and gotten bleached out white spots on my purple sheets - - but nothing compares to my stint as head of wardrobe on an indie movie set.

Long story short I was given this awesome opportunity and didn't really know what I was doing (it happens a lot). I had to wash the lead actresses' clothes every other day. Well, I didn't fully understand what bleach was and in an attempt to remove a few spots on a green skirt I made a few permanent white ones. Then, while washing a pair of white sneakers (they were really dirty) a red sock was stuck in them and I didn't know - they turned hot pink. I sat with a clorox bleach stick for 3 hours re-dying them white and the whole crew, including the director, hated me from then on.

I've learned my lesson and now take pride in my laundering skills - just never use bleach unless you want to strip something of all color. Oh and if you run out of dryer sheets you can throw a tennis ball in there and it has the same affect - my dad taught me that one.

High-Class Coupons

The word coupon has a horrible ring to it. My father is super frugal though, so I will admit on occasion he would have me looking for good deals on the miscellaneous electronic items in the Sunday paper. I saw that more as a bonding thing though...

Cutting coupons can actually be fun (especially if you're jewish) because when you see something you know you want for half price it's like finding a prize. That being said there is also something kind of depressing about it, which is why I have found the rich kid solution to shopping on a budget - charge cards!

Not credit cards...I would never sign up for a credit card without first consulting my money manager, but, for example, a Nordstroms card is super easy to sign up for and you get 20 bucks back for each 200 you spend as a gift certificate in the mail. Sometimes they will even send a few $5 incentives here and there, which doesn't sound like much but those things can seriously stock up. I actually - and this is crazy jewish of me - used to go to Nordys with friends and have them all buy their stuff with my card and then just pay me back in cash or check so that their parents wouldn't know they had been shopping and I would get a couple free $20 cards out of it...I call that being smart with money.

The card approach can literally work for EVERYTHING - gas stations, super markets, best buy etc. - and it doesn't cost anything to join them. With the gas cards, over time you get a free tank; it's like your 10th coffee free at coffee bean! At Ralphs (or whatever your local grocery store may be) there can be crazy good discounts with the cards, and at some chains all the coupons out for that week are automatically deducted when you use the card! So instead of cutting through newspapers and getting weird ink all over your hands, you can just do what comes natural and swipe away a good 10-30 bucks on big shops.

These cards are not something that always saves TONS of money, but over time it adds up to hundreds a year...and that's a new pair of Manolo's for summer (obvi not boots...it would take a few years of frugal spending to save up for this season's amazing fur-lined cream calf skin boots...and that's after they have gone on sale...twice)

Even at places like The Grove (or your local indoor mall) they have these cards. You sort of have to seek them out because they don't always advertise, but every time I go to the movies those points add up and over time I start getting free parking and holiday 'bonus' gifts from the different stores. What's so huge is that Nordys is in The Grove - so it's like a double whammie of savings! I get double points for spending during November with the Grove and $20 back from Nordys - automatic 2 times of free parking, a free lunch at Farm and a pair of Hanky Pankys - a $60 value all free! And it's stuff I actually would get anyways!

The whole concept is so fun, and after seeing your beloved black card cut up in front of your face at graduation, it will be nice to re-stock those empty slots in the wallet with a colorful array of savings.

My Gilt cravings are stirring...but I'm going to try and hold out for the whole week!

Post-Apocalyptic Air Travel

Ok, I booked award travel with US Airways so my flight was basically free and so my complaint here is not completely justified. However. US Airways is a terrible airline. I was flying a few weeks ago with my mother and had seat 4F...by the time the stewardess got to my seat with the meal selection there was one left - a greasy pulled pork sandwich - and I don't eat pork. When I told her she said I should have opted for a kosher meal and left me starving in my seat for the 6 hour flight. Sucks.

So, when booking this flight I made the necessary preparations and searched the website for the checking of the box that would entitle me to the lowest carb/cal meal option. It did not exist. I called the airline...no one knew the answer. I sort of forgot about it until already on the plane and she got to me, in seat 4F, and said they only have pork loin. I begged for the chicken and asked how I get this elusive kosher meal. She shrugged and said they don't 'do that anymore'. By that she means that US Airways no longer offers alternative meal options, along with its many other cutbacks e.g no more free food in the first class lounge (you have to pay 10 bucks a sandwich) and no more direct flights to Philadelphia from LA after 1:45pm. I fear that the quality of the products going into the food is also questionable. It's shocking to me that in a day and age where some airlines are offering private suites with separate beds and high thread count linens for long haul flights (Singapore Air and Emirates standards on the A-380) , these championing domestic fliers are border-lining on unsanitary.

A normal person grunts through these now standard atrocities in American travel, I however will not stand to be taken a fool of. Depending on the airline you fly, there are a lot of potential moves to make that can totally up the living standard of your travel. Here's what I do to make sure even when forced to fly coach I have a first/business class experience at half the price of a typical ticket.

First, create frequent flier accounts with every airline you could possibly fly with. Like all other industries, the airlines are basically a huge conglomeration of miles programs inter-weaved with credit cards and hotel companies. The reason I wind up on US Air, even though I want to personally attack every smiling steward when they tell me I have to pay for the 4 hour use of a pillow, is that I almost always get free upgrades to first class. From joining their program and using Bank of America, I have a card that lets me cut the typical lines and security checks. With American Air I get free rooms at Hilton Hotels and free rental cars at Hertz even though I'm under 25. With Amex and Cathay Pacific, Business class is buy one get one free - always - and that's cheaper than two coach seats. With amex you can even get into most first class lounges around the world, even if you are flying some shitty airline. I don't receive these perks because I am rich - I receive them because I am smart. Even when going to the movies at The Grove can I earn miles - it's just a matter of understanding the system.

The food thing is crazy though and I have now undertaken the task of figuring out how to get fed and watered without paying. The other habit I have is checking the actual plane type I am going to fly on - sometimes US Air flies those 757's from Vegas or Airzona to Philly because they are also going across to London. Getting a seat in row 12 on those babies is essential - if your not frequent enough a traveler for the first class bump, or it's just a super busy time and those bumps aren't happening, you can basically have that exit row and a foot rest for free. Those bigger planes also have bigger seats and they go back further. The only other advice I can think of now is if traveling abroad, get yourself on one of those A-380's; a middle seat in coach on those babies is nicer and more comfortable than any American domestic first class.

Since they no longer offer a movie on those flights, I usually bring a book but this was a very sweet occasion. I found Adbusters today for the first time in over 7 months. It was like my intellect was stimulated and my brain could finally exhale again - that magazine if fucking genius. As I sit on this plane, which defines all the economic issues for me with all its cutbacks and all the bureaucracies I read this: Departments of Economics are graduating a generation of idiot savants, brilliant at esoteric mathematics yet innocent of actual economic life. That's how I feel about my entire generation - we have been raised in such splendor that living in squalor is something reserved for force-fed Dickens' novels - not only do we not understand it, we are incapable of our own independent survival, hell half of the words I've written have been spell check changed for me - I haven't properly spelled the word 'necessary' since I botched the spelling bee in the 5th grade.

Instead of being lazy and just going along with the struggle everyone else seems to be accepting, I am going to try and do something about it. After I draft my letter to US Air (which is guaranteed to get you at least a few free flying vouchers) and apply for all the new jobs posted, I am going to find out how to share a link with Adbusters on this blog. Every person in the world who understands what the word savant means should be able to read this magazine and get something profound out of the experience.

Today I am going to be anti-consumer and not check Gilt.

Long Weekend

This weekend I went back to college for homecoming. It was a coming together of a lot of frustrated, unemployed 20-somethings still clutching daddy's credit card in an expensive clutch. I told a lot of people about the blog and they all seemed to think it was a pretty good idea, however being singled out as perfect examples of my audience was not something I think they appreciated. I also had a meeting on Friday before flying out in which I was basically told that no one hires in Hollywood before the first of the year...so I have two more months of this.

Yesterday one of my favorite friends from college and I sat in Rittenhouse Square drinking wine out of coffee cups all afternoon and reminiscing the good times. A few other alums were sprinkled around the park and it felt like nothing had changed. I ended up changing my flight a day later so that I could spend the evening watching the Eagles game and pretending to still be in the soft comfortable care of college. My friend happens to have a job and be pretty self sufficient, but for the fact that she decided not to go to work today in an attempt at a repeat of yesterday, the boozing will commence soon after this post.

A boy I was good friends with and his girlfriend sat with us for a while and I told them about this blog - the boy is definitely my target audience, although he kept repeating randomly throughout the conversation that he thinks he would be able to survive in the wilderness and on his own. Sorry, but ha, no.

Out of no where this random chick comes over and asks me if I'm writing a blog about rich kids in poor neighborhoods. Being polite to a very rude stranger I explained the blog and she goes on this whole rant about how she's homeless and have I ever spent a night on the streets. No, I answered laughing, does it look like I've ever spent a night on the street? At first I felt like an ass hole, but this girl was sitting with a boy wearing a pink polo and she had nice cloths on...there is no way their Di Bruno Brother's sandwich wrapper was the product of someone's starvation. I started to pry a bit: she said she was freezing, I pointed out her faux fur coat; she asked if I was one of those rich kids, I said I represent them; she said she was buddhist and something about faith, I wear buddhist accessories and jewelry and said 'yeah, it's fab'; she asked for some change, I gave her a dollar and said I hope bad karma doesn't bite her in the ass...well I said that after she had walked away, I mean there was a good chance that girl could kick my ass.

The whole interaction was so strange, and my friend and his girlfriend sat frozen throughout the whole encounter, never saying a word. Yeah right you could hack in on the streets - you couldn't even handle the harsh reality of the high class homeless. What this story aims to teach is that I'm a generous person because contrary to my Jewish heritage, I believe in karma. A lot of rich kids are so stingy, especially certain JAP's who refuse to throw an extra five bucks from their Balenciaga wallets toward tip for a $20 salad. And though I may be painfully spoiled, I still understand the importance of helping those less fortunate, and by help I mean give money that was never actually earned by me to those who never tried hard enough to earn it themselves. I always give nice, name brand clothes to friends who I know can't afford to buy them and I always offer to pay for pedi's when I need the company of someone who's strapped for cash. You could say I buy my friends, but I just figure they will pay it forward or return the favor in their own way.

I just hope my mitzvah proves worthy of good karma when it comes to getting a job. It's already come back in the form of an email from Gilt saying that an item I had put myself on the wait list for is now available to me for purchase - but I will decline. I need to start being more responsible with the little spending cash I have. No more passing out dolla bills to strangers (strippers and the homeless alike) and no more purchases regardless of how great a bargain they may be. Maybe someday soon I will be able to say I could hack it completely on my own or in the wilderness, but I never actually want that to be a reality I have to face.